My Little Darling

Job 1:21 "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Nov 16, 2009 - Mike dropped me off to my Obgyn (as I can't drive due to morning sickness) for my first prenatal checkup. Everything was going well and the doctor thought we might hear the baby's heartbeat. Mike was out in the parking lot waiting with Gabby in the car so I gave him a call thru my cell to get inside so we can both hear it. We were both excited because we will be hearing the baby for the first time! Kinda brought back memories from when we first heard Gabby on the doppler - with a fast, strong hearbeat.

The doctor searched and tried different pressures and angles but he couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't think much about it because he assured me that just because we cant hear the baby doesn't mean something's wrong. We were sent to the next room for an ultrasound just to double check. I saw my baby for the first time! The technician asked me how far along I was and I was pretty sure I was 11 weeks along. She measured the baby on the monitor, tried different angles and said "Your baby is small for the age, measures only 8 weeks." I was looking at the monitor and there a figure like the shape of a peanut was laying still and not moving at all. And then she said, "I can't find the heartbeat." I was just laying there watching and then all of the sudden it dawned on me. "My baby is gone!" I just bawled.

Doc came in and said it must have stopped growing at 8 weeks, about 2 weeks ago. And that I will miscarry probably within 2 weeks. This was a completely devastating surprise because I felt so pregnant and as of this moment I still feel pregnant.

Mike and I cried together. He's almost over it now but I'm still crying. Crying over the loss of life, that little baby I was looking forward to holding in my arms after 9 months of carrying. The baby is still inside of me, lifeless and just floating in the amniotic fluid. I wish I could do something to save my little one, but I can't. All I can do is to surrender him to the Maker, the Author and Source of Life. As I am grieving, I continue to surrender him to the Father. I have a picture in my mind of the little unborn fetus in the hands of the Father. My little one is not mine, he belongs to the Father. He alone can give and take away life and He has all the right and authority to do as He pleases with this unborn child. I don't blame Him nor question Him why this had happened. I don't even have to know why. I don't have the right to. That is not my place. Instead, I thank Him for letting this little baby visit us for a short while. And now, he is going back to his Maker.

I am letting my little darling go with much tears, back to the loving arms of the Father. I love you my child, though, I haven't even seen your face nor touched you and held you in my arms. I know you will be safe and no harm will come to you. Just know that your Mommy, Daddy and Ate Gabby love you and you will always be remembered.