God is the strength of my heart

Psalm 73:23-26. This has been one of my favorite songs - God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. As I am in the process of healing from depression and from my painful childhood memories, the Lord is taking me back to those memories  and He is letting me see in my mind that He was there holding my hands. I was never alone. He has been guiding me all along though I wasn't aware of Him. He was there with me when my mom died. He was right there listening to me when no one understood me. He was there when nobody seemed  to care. He was there when I was treated unkindly or unfairly. He was there when I felt so alone. He was holding my hands and He cried when I cried. Only He knew how deeply I was hurting inside.

I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm now 39 years old but that little girl in me is still crying. She's still hurting. She's still grieving because mommy died. She still feels the pain when she remembers people mocking and insulting her. She still feels so alone inside but is too afraid to connect and be vulnerable because she does not want to be hurt anymore.

This is what that little girl is feeling -- Why didn't anybody love me? Why didn't anybody make me feel special just like other girls? Why didn't my parents show love and affection towards me? Is it because I'm skinny and ugly and nobody thought I'm cute? When I go to mommy or daddy to ask questions or complain about something, they would ignore me, brush me off or blame me so I thought when something goes wrong I better not tell anybody or I will be in trouble. And I thought too that whenever something goes wrong maybe it's my fault.

I felt like a slave at home. My mom always had something for me to do. My main job was to take care of the baby. And we seemed to have a new baby every year. So I didn't get a break. That's why I loved school so much. Because in school I was free! No babies to carry or to play with.

In school, I was stressed out too because I had so many competitors for the honor roll. In elementary, however hard I try there are always kids who were better than me. I wondered how they get to do really good in school. I tried my best to study and get high grades but they are always smarter than me. Maybe I wasn't really that smart.

This post is getting longer. Maybe I should continue my journey to past next time. I am trying to remember those pains that led me to where i am right now. They say it is the best way to start the healing process...